Becoming Martin Green

Excerpted from the forthcoming book:
Becoming Martin Green
by Ulysses "Butch" Slaughter

No matter where Martin Green goes, his past always appears in a reflection. No matter where he goes, he finds himself. He sees himself. He feels himself. He can’t hide. Martin lives inside of his body. Martin lives inside of his mind. Martin lives behind his face. His new face. He can’t escape. He could run. But he can never hide. In the rhythm and blues of his mind Martin hears the taunting 1977 lyrics of soul singer, Teddy Pendergrass, reminding him that “you can’t hide from yourself. Everywhere you go, there you are.” It’s true. Everywhere Martin goes, Martin is there. It’s been that way his entire life. It will be that way for the rest of his life. If he wants to get away from himself, the Door of Death is always within reach. He knows that. He’s reached for the doorknob on that door many times. He’s turned the knob many times. He’s looked inside that room of death many times. But he’s never walked in. He just looks and listens. It’s dark, quiet and still. He’s concerned that it may not be real. What if it’s just a trick? What if he finds himself in there also? What if it’s just a fucking trick and Teddy Pendergrass is in that room singing as well? What if the music is louder and the song is longer? A goddamn remix! What if the song doesn’t end in that room? What if there is no death for Martin Green? What if everyone else died but he’s special and is destined to live forever inside that body, inside that mind and behind that face? That face? Yeah, that face. The new face that his little brother Calvin created. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What if God hates Martin Green and refuses to let him die? What if he is already dead and doesn’t know it? What if he is already dead inside that body, inside that mind and behind that face? 
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What if Martin Green is being punished for a crime he can’t remember and God wants him to wander the earth forever in that body, in that mind and behind that face? There’s no point in going into The Door of Death, he decides. It’s probably just a fucking hoax. A nightmare worse than the one he’s already living. You can’t hide from yourself, Martin Green. No point in trying. Martin would like to hide from himself. He would like to get away from himself. He would like to go back to September 9, 1980 right before 9AM. He would like to go there one time and pull himself up off the bed before Calvin sneaks into the room with that acid. If only he could go back to 204 W. 104th Street in Harlem on September 9, 1980. No. Maybe go back further. Maybe go back to September 8, 1980. Yes. A day earlier. Then he could avoid the madness that’s coming on September 9, 1980. Yes. A day earlier. If he could go back to September 8, 1980 he would know better and not show up to that place on September 9, 1980. Calvin would come looking for him and Martin wouldn’t even be there. He would be somewhere else. Maybe across the street behind a tree watching Calvin walk into the house. He would stand in the dark laughing and watching Calvin’s stupid ass go in the house.